This book sucks you in, grips you and doesn’t let you go until the last page. The story is told in chapters set in 2017 and various earlier points in time during the abusive relationship. It’s such a disturbing relationship between Strane and Vanessa and at times I just wished the other characters would have done something to prevent the story from continuing. Just wished someone would step up and open Vanessas eyes to what was happening. As disturbing as the story was, it was also brilliantly written and expertly told. I was given a copy by Netgalley in exchange for my honest review.

It made me physically sick at times and very angry, guess thats the way its supposed to be. Why I think its a great book:

„My dark Vanessa“ ist ein Buch, was wirklich wahnsinnig gut geschrieben ist. Aber definitiv nichts für schwache Nerven. Die ganzen Triggerwarnings sind absolut angebracht und sollte man sich vorher anschauen wenn man ein Mensch ist, der mit solchen Themen Schwierigkeiten hat. Die Beziehungsdynamik, die zwischen den beiden (Vanessa&ihr Lehrer Strane) beschrieben wird ist hochkomplex ausgearbeitet und auch ziemlich krank natürlich… aber auch super spannend so tiefen Einblick in Vanessas Kopf zu bekommen. Wie sehr dieses Mädchen eigentlich traumatisiert ist, kommt immer mehr und mehr ans Licht. Es liest sich auch eher wie eine echte Geschichte und kein Roman. Umso verstörender.. Für Menschen, die Lust darauf haben, sich emotional zu zerstören lassen, ist dieses Buch perfekt. ~ “People will risk everything for a little bit of something beautiful” ~ „The answer is no. Even if I had moments of desire, it never would’ve seemed worth the risk. Not until you came along.” I try to hide how happy this makes me feel by rolling my eyes, but his words break my chest wide open and leave me helpless. There’s nothing stopping him from reaching in and grabbing whatever he wants. I’m special. I’m special. I’m special.“ ~ „Am I a monster? I wonder. I must be. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to lie like this.“ ~ „I’m starting to understand that the longer you get away with something, the more reckless you become, until it’s almost as if you want to get caught“ ~ I tortured him,” I say. “I don’t think you understand how much I contributed to everything. His whole life descended into hell because of me.” “He was a grown man and you were fifteen,” she says. “What could you have possibly done to torture him?” For a moment I’m speechless, unable to come up with an answer besides, I walked into his classroom. I existed. I was born. ~ At one point, he said “nymphet,” and hearing that word made me want to tear him open and eat him ~

Difficult read. Greatly written - painfully honest and raw.

This was a difficult book to read, but at the same time, I couldn't put it down because I was so interested in learning about Vanessa's history. When Vanessa transfers to a new school, she struggles to make friends, and the only person who shows her any kindness is her teacher. Unfortunately, this kindness soon turns into an abusive relationship that lasts well into her adult life. It's fascinating to see how a traumatic event in childhood can have such a lasting impact on one's life. The author does an excellent job of getting inside Vanessa's head and helping us understand her actions and motivations. One aspect of the novel that I really appreciated was how Vanessa refuses to see herself as a victim. She understands that revealing her story may not change anything, and she has the right of not wanting to reveal nothing. The only downside to the novel is the flat side characters, especially Vanessa's relationship with her mom, which seems unrealistic given our first impression of her.